The Heart of Anger

25. Child Training with World Methodologies Inconsistent with God’s Word

Ephesians 6:4
Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

Did anyone notice the word “but” in Ephesians 6:4? Two ways are being contrasted. Raising your child properly in the discipline and instruction of the Lord will not provoke him to anger, but employing the counsel and instruction of man-made pop psychology almost certainly will. The use of behavior modification and cognitive therapy techniques that were designed to replace Christ and the Scriptures with human wisdom (Prov. 16:25) cannot produce in an angry child the fruit of the Spirit. That is what is necessary to displace his characterological anger. Make certain that all means and methods of child training you use can be Scripturally validated. Only then will you avoid provoking your child to anger and truly bring him up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

Well, how did you do? How many ways have you and your spouse been provoking your child to anger? Remember, the anger is your child’s sin, but you are 100% responsible before God for the sins which provoked him to that anger. If you recognize that you have exasperated and provoked your children, I urge you to immediately take the following steps to begin creating a home environment that will help them to replace anger with love, kindness, gentleness, and forgiveness of Christ.

24. Practicing Favoritism

Luke 15:25-30
“Now his older son was in the field, and as he came and drew near to the house, he heard music and dancing.  And he called one of the servants and asked what these things meant.  And he said to him, ‘Your brother has come, and your father has killed the fattened calf, because he has received him back safe and sound.’  But he was angry and refused to go in. His father came out and entreated him,  but he answered his father, ‘Look, these many years I have served you, and I never disobeyed your command, yet you never gave me a young goat, that I might celebrate with my friends.  But when this son of yours came, who has devoured your property with prostitutes; you killed the fattened calf for him!’

When the prodigal’s elder brother perceived (wrongly) that his father was showing favoritism toward his younger brother, he became angry. Since siblings are different, they should be treated as individuals. The standard, however, by which each child is evaluated and by which parents respond to each child should be identical, a point the elder brother did not understand and so he misinterpreted his father’s motive.

Consider a thermometer as an illustration – When placed in a refrigerator, it may read 38 degrees, when placed on the kitchen table – 72 degrees, when placed in an oven however, it may read 400 degrees! Did the thermometer ever change? Did it ever stop faithfully measuring temperature? Did it ever stop being a thermometer and become a wrist watch? Of course not! What changed is not the thermometer, but rather its environment or circumstances. Likewise, when a child observes a certain parental treatment sibling is receiving while in a different set of circumstances than himself, he needs to be assured that he or she will not be treated in a similar manner (with justice) by his parent(s) should he find himself in the same or similar set of circumstances.

23. Having Unrealistic Expectations

1 Corinthians 13:11

When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways.

The Bible acknowledges that children think, speak and reason differently than adults. The process whereby children grow and develop takes time. Additionally, children grow at different rates. These factors need to be considered by parents as they establish expectations for their children.

Parents should not impose standards on expectations upon their children that their children are developmentally incapable of performing. Appropriate standards and expectations are clearly delineated in Scripture. Our emphasis should be on character not achievement. For example, godly character is shown in doing your best for God’s glory, not by getting straight A’s in school. Factored into the equation should also be the reality that children are sinners and are therefore going to sin. Hence, it should not be surprising to parents when even children with agreeable dispositions occasionally show their sinful hearts.

22. Ridiculing or Name Calling

Ephesians 4:29
Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.

You may think: “Now wait a minute. Jesus called people names, so did Paul, as well as many of the biblical authors. Why can’t I call my children names?” Well, I suppose you can, provided your name calling meets biblical criteria. The only names you ought to be using to describe your children (or any other person for that matter) are names that the Bible uses to describe categories of people. Even legitimate biblical name-calling should only be used when there is enough evidence to suggest the category.

Categories such as slothful, foolish, double-minded, deceitful, self-centered, and idolatrous are names God uses to identify those individuals who have so given themselves over to a particular sin that their life is dominated and characterized by that sin. Names like idiot, Moron, Dummy, Meathead, Dingbat, Fatty, Shorty, and Pinhead don’t fit biblical criteria.

Additionally, using biblical names to describe sinful behavior should be employed only when a child’s life displays a particular sin to such a degree that the sin is obviously affecting various areas of his life (home, school, church, social, health, etc.) When it is necessary to show a child that his life is taking on unacceptable characteristics, the biblical name should be used as a didactic tool, not as a weapon. As a tool the name serves to motivate the child to change. As a weapon, the name embarrasses, shames, or antagonizes the child and is primarily punitive in nature. Punitive name calling provokes anger in children.

21. Abusing Them Physically

1 Timothy 3:3
Not a drunkard, not violent but gentle, not quarrelsome, not a lover of money.

Numbers 22:27-29

When the donkey saw the angel of the Lord, she lay down under Balaam. And Balaam's anger was kindled, and he struck the donkey with his staff.  Then the Lord opened the mouth of the donkey, and she said to Balaam, “What have I done to you, that you have struck me these three times?”  And Balaam said to the donkey, “Because you have made a fool of me. I wish I had a sword in my hand, for then I would kill you.”

When Balaam became angry at his donkey for not meeting his expectations, he struck the beast with a stick. Balaam went on to say that if he had a sword he would have killed the donkey. Children, of course, are not beasts. Angry parents, however, may be guilty of treating them as such when their anger is out of control. Several parallels can be made between Balaam’s sinful anger and a parent out of control. I will mention three:

1.      Balaam struck the donkey in haste, before he had collected all of the relevant data. Before we as parents jump to hasty and unfounded conclusions and discipline our children for the wrong reason, we must be certain we have the facts.

2.      Balaam struck the donkey because the donkey embarrassed him. We should be certain that our motivation for discipline is biblical, and not selfish. For us to discipline our children for selfish reasons, such as embarrassment or unfulfilled expectations, rather than for sin, is vindictive and abusive.

3.      Balaam was out of control. (He would have killed his faithful donkey if he had the means to do it!) We parents should discipline our children only when we have gotten our anger under control and are not likely to harm our children.

20. Mocking Your Child

Job 17:1-2
My spirit is broken; my days are extinct; the graveyard is ready for me. Surely there are mockers about me, and my eye dwells on their provocation.

Exodus 4:11

Then the Lord said to him, “Who has made man's mouth? Who makes him mute, or deaf, or seeing, or blind? Is it not I, the Lord?

Parents should never ridicule or mock. I am especially concerned about two categories of teasing. First, you should not make fun of inadequacies about which the child can do nothing. Parents should never ridicule a child for things that have nothing to do with pleasing God. Examples from this category include a child’s intelligence, athletic abilities, physical features, and motor coordination. These are personal characteristics that are not sinful. According to Exodus 4:11 and Psalm 139:13-16, God takes responsibility for prescribing these traits in each person before birth.

The second thing you should not do is make fun of things that are sinful. Should Christians make fun of things that God sent His Son to die for? Sin isn’t a laughing matter. Sinful behavior in children, especially those that are habitual, should be addressed with sobriety not with frivolity.

19. Allowing Too Much Freedom

Proverbs 29:15The rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother.

Galatians 4:1-2
I mean that the heir, as long as he is a child, is no different from a slave, though he is the owner of everything, but he is under guardians and managers until the date set by his father.

When children are allowed to (1) habitually practice any sinful behavior, or (2) participate in non-sinful activities before demonstrating the appropriate levels of responsibility and maturity (i.e. having the freedom to dispose of great sums of money without knowing how to live by a biblically balanced budget), or (3) live an undisciplined life, being allowed to do almost anything their heart desires with instant gratification, other problems develop. Children must be taught how to repent of sin, how to be responsible, and how to live a self-disciplined life. Parents will suffer along with their children if they neglect these disciplinary responsibilities.

Children can soon come to know the truth that God equates discipline with love:

Hebrews 12:6-9

For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives. It is for discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline?  If you are left without discipline, in which all have participated, then you are illegitimate children and not sons.  Besides this, we have had earthly fathers who disciplined us and we respected them. Shall we not much more be subject to the Father of spirits and live?

Children who grow up in homes with too much freedom and not enough discipline may quickly conclude that they are not truly loved by their parents.

18. Not Allowing Enough Freedom

James 3:17a
But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere.

Luke 12:48b

 But the one who did not know, and did what deserved a beating, will receive a light beating. Everyone to whom much was given, of him much will be required, and from him to whom they entrusted much, they will demand the more.

Children, rather than expecting their parents to simply hand them freedom on a silver platter, ought to be willing to earn freedom by demonstrating that they are faithful. Faithfulness involves demonstrating to God and others that you can be trusted with increasing freedom based on at least two things: the successful fulfillment of specific responsibilities and the successive competence to make biblically wise decisions.

When children start demonstrating such faithfulness and parents do not reward them with the freedom and the trust commensurate with their achievement, they can become exasperated, discourages, and even give up. Common reasons why parents do not give their children enough freedom include: overprotectiveness, insecurity, fear, unbiblical standards based on tradition rather than Scripture, inordinate desires to have perfect children, and inordinate concern for what others might think. By not rewarding faithfulness with requisite freedom, parents may hinder a form of motivation that is inherently biblical – the desire to earn trust.

17. Chastening in Front of Others

Matthew 18:15
If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother.

Why do so many Christian parents overlook one of the most foundational discipline passages in the Bible? Perhaps it is because when we read the word “brother,” we immediately think of some church member with whom we have had or are currently involved in a conflict. Regardless of the reason, our Lord’s instruction in Matthew 18:15-20, when properly applied to the family conflict, will safeguard each member from abuse and will prevent sinful actions from becoming sinful habits. Remember, your believing son or daughter is primarily and permanently your brother or sister. He is secondarily, and temporarily your child.

The disciplinary principle derived from this verse is that the circle of confession and correction should only be as large as the circle of offense. If your child sins in the presence of others, he may in certain cases be verbally revoked (but not physically chastised) in their presence. If the sin however is not in public, the disciplinary process should be handled between the parent and child. To violate the clear instruction of Christ by disciplining a child in front of others for sins he has committed in private is to sin against God and the child.

16. Failing to Keep Your Promises

Matthew 5:37
Let what you say be simply ‘Yes’ or ‘No’; anything more than this comes from evil.

Psalm 15:4-5

In whose eyes a vile person is despised, but who honors those who fear the Lord; who swears to his own hurt and does not change; who does not put out his money at interest and does not take a bribe against the innocent. He who does these things shall never be moved.

Colossians 3:9

Do not lie to one another, seeing that you have put off the old self with its practices.

Promises and commitments are usually made with every intention of keeping them and no intent to deceive. However, when promises and commitments consistently are not kept, regardless of the reason, and an attempt is not made to break the contract biblically (see Proverbs 6:1-5) or forgiveness is not sought from a child for breach of contract, his disappointment turns into anger. As the string of broken promises gets longer and longer, and the child increasingly views his parents an undependable, unreliable, and deceitful, his anger may intensify proportionately.

Many responses may occur in the heart of a child whose hopes have been dashed by broken promises. Unless children are taught appropriate biblical responses, they may struggle with some of the following emotions:

·        Disappointment and discouragement

·        Suspicion and cynicism – unwillingness to trust

·        Rejection – hurt feelings

·        Bitterness and resentment

·        Loss of respect or contempt for parents

·        Thoughts of being unloved

Any of these, if not dealt with biblically, can easily lead to anger and then to rebellion.

15. Not Praising or Encouraging Your Child

Revelation 2:2-4
I know your works, your toil and your patient endurance, and how you cannot bear with those who are evil, but have tested those who call themselves apostles and are not, and found them to be false.  I know you are enduring patiently and bearing up for my name's sake, and you have not grown weary.  But I have this against you, that you have abandoned the love you had at first.

It is significant that the Lord Jesus Christ, when He reproved the church at Ephesus, began with praise. When a Christian evaluates himself (as every person does continually), it is important for him to evaluate himself accurately. An accurate self-perception involves a clear understanding not only of what is wrong and needs to be corrected, but also of what is right and pleasing to God. Too often parents focus only on the wrong, and consequently, their children tend to evaluate themselves inaccurately. Their self-perceptions become distorted rather than sober (Romans 12:3) and true (Philemon 4:8). I suggest to parents that they learn to keep their children regularly bathed in a solution of praise so that when reproof and correction are administered, these measures will be perceived as one more element of balanced biblical love.

14. Not Making Time “Just to Talk”

James 1:19
Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger.

Ecclesiastes 3:7

A time to tear, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak.

Relationships are impossible to build without communication. To the degree (and only to the degree) that God has revealed Himself to us in the Bible, can we have a relationship with Him. As parents and children alike reveal themselves to each other through various communication forms, their relationships with each other are strengthened. Revelation of oneself is a biblical prerequisite for effective relationships.

When Mom and dad allow the pressures and pleasures of life to keep them from spending enough time in the revelation/communication process, strong parent/child relationships are not established. In addition to provoking children to wrath, this weakening of the parent/child relationship motivates children to build closer relationships with friends instead of parents.

13. Comparing Them to Others

2 Corinthians 10:12
Not that we dare to classify or compare ourselves with some of those who are commending themselves. But when they measure themselves by one another and compare themselves with one another, they are without understanding.

God gives every child unique gifts and talents. Adam gave every child (through the transmission of sin Romans 5:16-19) a heart that is disposed to all manner of evil thoughts and intents. A child should learn at an early age “not to think more highly of himself than he ought to think; but to think so as to have sound judgement, as God has allotted to each a measure of faith” (Romans 12:3).

Parents, on the other hand should take Paul’s warning in 2 Corinthians 10:12 to heart and avoid comparing their children (favorably or unfavorably) to other children. Proper biblical comparisons may be made in the following directions:

Forward looking – by comparing where the child is today to the biblical standard of maturity as demonstrated in Jesus Christ (Ephesians 4:13-15; 2 Corinthians 3:18), or –

Backward looking – by comparing the child’s spiritual maturity today to his own spiritual maturity at various points in the past (2 Peter 1:3-12; Revelation 2:2-5).

12. Not Listening to Your Child’s Opinion or Taking Their Side of the Story Seriously

Proverbs 18:3
When wickedness comes, contempt comes also, and with dishonor comes disgrace.

Proverbs 18:17

The one who states his case first seems right, until the other comes and examines him.

You may not always agree with your child’s reasoning, conclusions and opinions, but if you are going to lead them into the truth, you will need to understand their perspective. Moreover, by not attempting to understand his perspective, you may communicate such sinful attitudes as arrogance, impatience, apathy, or lack of love. People of all ages are inclined to translate rejection of their ideas as rejection of their persons. Naturally, children should be taught how to receive reproof biblically and learn not to equate rejection of one’s ideas as personal rejection. When, however, there is a constant barrage of parental insensitivity in this area, children quickly conclude Mom and Dad, like the proverbial fool, are not interested in anything but their own opinions.

11. Parents reversing God-given Roles

Ephesians 5:22-24
Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.

When God’s order in the home is violated, various consequences tend to be set in motion. These consequences create a home environment that promotes frustration. Wives tend to become embittered over husbands not managing their homes as the Bible directs. Husbands tend to become embittered and lose respect for wives who are not fulfilling their God-given roles.

Both husband and wife may struggle with the guilt that so often occurs whenever biblical roles are reversed. Children who know what the Bible teaches about such things tend to view their parents’ relationship as a double standard. They may even resent their mother for usurping her husband’s authority, or their father for not managing his home well – or both. In addition, children may be uncertain and confused about their own gender roles. They may not want to model their parents’ behavior but have no other first-hand examples to follow. All of these consequences can frustrate children and provoke them to anger.

10. Not Admitting You’re Wrong and Not Asking for Forgiveness

Matthew 5:23-24
So if you are offering your gift at the alter and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the alter and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.

James 5:16

Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.

A parent’s failure to acknowledge offenses committed against his children (and others whom they know you’ve offended) often discourages the children from practicing open biblical communication. When children perceive such insensitivity and pride in their parents, they may wrongly conclude, “It’s no use trying to talk to him, he’ll never admit to doing anything wrong.” Of course, the criteria for such communication should not be whether or not Dad will hear him, but rather, whether or not the offense is of such a nature that it cannot be overlooked (Prov. 19:11) or covered in love (Prov. 10:12; 17:9). In other words, your children should be taught to follow Matthew 18:15-17 as a necessary aspect in the relationship with you their parents, regardless of your parental response. In order to avoid provoking your children to anger in matters of offenses, I urge you to observe this four-step biblical approach to seeking forgiveness when you offend your child (or anyone else for that matter).

9. Constantly Finding Fault

Job 32:2-3
Then Elihu the son of Barachel the Buzite, of the family of Ram, burned with anger. He burned with anger at Job because he justified himself rather than God.

Elihu became righteously indignant as he observed Job’s three friends condemn him without accurately pinpointing exactly what he had done wrong. What am I addressing here is not the parental responsibility to point out sinful behavior and character deficiencies in the child, but rather the critical, condemning, accusing, judgmental attitude that so often accompanies legitimate attempts at reproof. I am referring to the kind of “spirit” that leads a child to believe that his parents are never or rarely pleased with him.

When the Lord Jesus was reproving the Ephesian church for losing her first love, He began with a list of those behaviors that please Him (Rev. 2). Perhaps the most effective safeguard against this provocation is for parents to purpose to praise, commend, and acknowledge biblical achievement with greater frequency than they reprove. This is not to imply a reduction in the number of reproofs, but rather to suggest an increase in the number of commendations. If you are a parent who has a tendency to nitpick about everything, I suggest that you memorize and meditate upon the following:

Proverbs 19:11

Good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense.

Remember that although you have the responsibility to identify character flaws in your children for the purpose of training and correction, it is not always necessary to turn every non-characterological (non-habitual) sin into a mini-sermon.

8. Being Legalistic

The legalism I am referring to is that strain which elevates manmade rules to the same level of culpability as those commands which God has given scripture. God has given each set of Christian parents the responsibility to develop from Scripture a biblically based economy or “law of the house” for their children to abide by. This collection of house rules contains two basic sections:

 

Biblically directed rules are those which all men are obligated to obey because God commands them in His Word. Some obvious examples would be: Love Your God, Love Your Neighbor as Yourself, Do not lie, Do not covet, Do not steal, etc. On the other hand, biblically derived rules are those which are based on biblical principles; but which I am obligated to obey only as long as I am under God-ordained authority, in this case the authority of parents over their children. Examples might be: Do not stay up past 8:30 p.m. on school nights, Do not leave the table without asking to be excused, Eat all of your broccoli, You can only watch one hour of television per day and that only after your homework is finished.

Parents must develop temporal rules particular to their household order to promote unity in a household of sinners. This necessity, however, can turn into neglect if the distinction between these man made temporary rules and God’s eternal ones are not clearly delineated. This negligence often produces children who misunderstand, and consequently reject true Christianity. They can grow up with an overall impression which leads them to conclude that “Christianity” is an antiquated, stale, rigid, and nitpicking religion, having never experienced its power to transform lives.

Christ often contended with this same kind of legalism with the religious leaders of His day. The scribes and the Pharisees held to, propagated, and esteemed the oral tradition, the Talmud, to such an extent that it became for them as legal and binding as the Scriptures. It may not have been wrong for them to follow their own man-made applications of Scripture (“He who observes the day, observes it for the Lord, and he who eats, does so for the Lord, for he gives thanks to God; and he who eats not, for the Lord he does not eat, and gives thanks to God.” Rom. 14:6), but as soon as they imposed their man-made traditions on others, teaching these rules as though they were obligatory as God’s law, they became bound up in legalism. It was to these leaders, who did not distinguish man-made rules from God-breathed commandments, that Christ, after calling them hypocrites, reiterated the words of Isaiah:

Matthew 15:8-9
This people honors me with their lips, but their heart is far from me; in vain they do they worship me, teaching as doctrines the commandments of men.

If this kind of legalism provoked righteous indignation in the Lord Jesus, this kind of legalism can provoke anger in your child.

There is an important distinction that parents must make between these two sections of “The Law of the House.” Whereas God’s Law may never be appealed, parental laws are appealable. You may not say dogmatically (without being legalistic), “It’s God’s will for all children not to wear lipstick until they are sixteen years old.” You may however say (if you’re so inclined), “These are our house rules. If you would like to make a respectful appeal based on extenuating circumstances, we will consider it. When you are an adult, you will have your own house rules for your children. In the meantime, it is your responsibility to obey the house rules we have established based on biblical principles. If you decide to let your children wear lipstick at an earlier age, we will not interfere or tell you your decision is wrong.” You cannot make a promise like that to your child when he or she violates a clear command of Scripture. To do so would mean you are promising not to obey the clear command in Matthew 18:15 yourself.

7. Having Double Standards

Philippians 4:9
What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me – practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.

A parent who uses the Bible to teach, reprove, correct, and instruct his children in righteousness, but is not willing to practice that same biblical righteousness in his own life, is not only a hypocrite but a provoker of his children. “Do as I say, not as I do” is communicated more often by actions (or lack of them) than by words. Regardless of how this message is communicated, when children see their parents (their spiritual leaders) using double standards, that encourages their anger, much like the hypocrisy of the scribes and the Pharisees (the spiritual leaders of His day) rightly angered Christ.

6. Being Inconsistent with Discipline

2 Corinthians 1:17-18
Was I vacillating when I wanted to do this? Do I make plans according to the flesh, ready to say “Yes, yes” and “No, no” at the same time? As surely as God is faithful, our word to you has not been Yes and No.

Ecclesiastes 8:11

Because the sentence against an evil deed is not executed speedily, the heart of the children of man is fully set to do evil.

Parents often discipline inconsistently in two ways. The first is by having different parental standards of discipline. For example, Father spanks and Mother talks. Father believes that a certain behavior is wrong. Mother sees nothing wrong with that same behavior. As a rule, it is better for one parent to tighten up a bit, and the other to loosen up a little to unify their approach to discipline. Otherwise, children may become confused by their parents’ different philosophies or methodologies of child rearing. The time, effort, and thought it will take for parents biblically to fine tune their parenting to the same specifics will be a valuable (and necessary) investment that should save hours of frustrating and ineffective discipline in years to come.

The second way that parents discipline inconsistently is by vacillating from day to day on either what is or what is not punishable behavior, and/or on how severe the chastisement will be. Children ought to know that their parents “yes” means “yes” and their “no” means “no.” They should know that each offense will be treated justly and equitably regardless of their parents’ emotional, spiritual, or physical condition at the time of discipline.

5. Scolding

Ephesians 4:29
Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as it fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.

Mark 14:3-5

And while he was at Bethany in the house of Simon the leper, as he was reclining at the table, a woman came with an alabaster flask of ointment of pure nard, very costly, and she broke the flask and poured it over his head. There were some who said to themselves indignantly, “Why was the ointment wasted like that? For this ointment could have been sold for more than three hundred denarii and given to the poor.” And they scolded her.

One of the Greek words from which the term scolding (in the above text) was derived, means “to sort with anger.” It was used to describe the snorting of horses. In his book, Hints on Child Training, first published in 1891, H. Clay Trumbull, considered by any people to be the founder of Sunday school, explains:

“To ‘scold’ is to assail or revile with boisterous speech. The word itself seems to have a primary meaning akin to that of barking or howling.

Scolding is always an expression of a bad spirit and of a loss of temper…the essence of the scolding is in the multiplication of hot words in expression of strong feelings that while eminently natural, ought to be held in better control.

If a child has done wrong, a child needs a talking to; but no parent ought to talk to a child while that parent is unable to talk in a natural tone of voice, and with carefully measured words. If the parent is tempted to speak rapidly, or to multiply words without stopping to weigh them, or to show an excited state of feeling, the parent’s first duty is to gain entire self-control. Until that control is secured, there is no use of the parent’s trying to attempt any measure of child training. The loss of self-control is for the time being an utter loss of power for the control of others.

In giving commands or in giving censure to a child, the fewer and the more calmly spoken words are better. A child soon learns that scolding means less than quiet talking; and he even comes to find a certain satisfaction in waiting silently until the scolder has blown off the surplus feeling which vents itself in this way. There are times, indeed, when words may be multiplied to advantage in explaining to a child the nature and consequences of his offense, and the reasons why he should do differently in the future; but such words should always be spoken in gentleness, and in self-controlled earnestness. Scolding – rapidly spoken censure and protest, in the exhibit of strong feeling – is never in order as a means of training and directing a child.”

4. Habitually Disciplining While Angry

Psalm 38:1
O Lord, rebuke me not in your anger, nor discipline me in your wrath!

When you are angry, it is easier for you to overdiscipline. Your anger may be perceived by your child as a personal attack. If he views your discipline as such, he will likely suspect that your motive for the discipline is vindictive rather than corrective. If he concludes that this is your motive (thus violating 1 Corinthians 4:5), he will find it difficult not to get angry. The emphasis of your thinking and of your subsequent discipline should be on what the child has done by sinning against God, not on how his action has caused you some personal discomfort, trouble, or embarrassment.

Ephesians 4:26-27

Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down in your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil.

James 1:19-20

Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.

If you do not find yourself more upset because your child has sinned against you than you are because he has sinned against God, you must quickly and prayerfully get your heart in such a state that personal desires are temporarily set aside. You must be willing to lay aside your personal rights and forgive your child’s offense against you so that you may focus on fulfilling your parental obligations to him. Only then can you discipline your child with the assurance that your passion is not unholy anger.

3. Modeling Sinful Anger

Proverbs 22:24-25
Make no friendship with a man given to anger, nor go with a wrathful man, lest you learn his ways and entangle yourself in a snare.

Have your children been snared by learning (picking up) any of your angry ways? When you or your spouse model sinful anger, you may inadvertently teach your children that the only way to solve problems is to win. Children who regularly observe such poor examples of communication often grow up without having the necessary biblical resources with which to resolve conflicts and to solve people-problems.

2. Establishing and Maintaining a Child-Centered Home

Proverbs 29:15
The rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother.

When parents do not establish a home that is clearly Christ-centered (one in which each member understands his biblical role in the family and is committed to please Christ more than self), it is likely that the home will be child-centered. If the husband and the wife do not work at being closer to each other than to the child, the child may view himself as equal to rather than as a subordinate to them. In such “democratic” households, children tend to become angry when their desires do not get placed on equal status with the desires of their parents.

A child-centered home is one in which children are allowed to commit the following indiscretions:

     ·        Interrupt adults when they are talking
     ·        Use manipulation and rebellion to get their way

·        Dictate family schedule (including meal times, bedtimes, etc.)

·        Take precedence of the needs of the spouse

·        Have an equal or overriding vote in all decision making matters

·        Demand excessive time and attention from parents to the detriment of the other biblical responsibilities of the parent

·        Escape the consequences of their sinful and irresponsible behavior

·        Speak to parents as though they were peers

·        Be the dominant influence in the home

·        Be entertained (rather than disciplined) out of a bad mood

The concept of a God-centered home is derived from the biblical principle that the purpose of every Christian is to glorify God (1 Corinthians 10:31, 1 Corinthians 6:20). In contrast to a child-centered home, where pleasing and serving the child is the dominant theme, the God-centered home is one in which everyone is committed to pleasing and serving God. God’s desires are exalted over everyone else’s. Everyone in the family may be expected to sacrifice personal pleasures if God’s will requires it. This philosophy teaches children to serve rather than be honored, to give (loving) rather than take (be selfish). In God-centered homes, children are taught the following (among many others):

     ·        To joyfully serve others

·        To cheerfully obey parents the first time

·        To not interrupt parents who are speaking to each other

·        Understand they will not always get their own way

·        To work their schedule around their parents’ schedule

·        To have input in family decisions but not necessarily an equal vote

·        To understand that God has given their parents other responsibilities in addition to meeting their needs

·        To suffer the natural consequences of their sinful and irresponsible behavior

·        To not speak to parents as though they were peers but honor them as spiritual authorities

·        To esteem others as more important than themselves

·        To fulfill various household responsibilities (chores)

·        To protect themselves from certain bad influences

·        To not divide parents over disciplinary issues

·        To not be more intimate with either parents than the parents are with each other

1. A Relationship Lacking Marital Harmony

Genesis 2:24
Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.

Hebrews 12:15
See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no “root of bitterness” springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled;

Perhaps the greatest provocation of anger in children is parents who do not live with each other in the harmony that the Scriptures prescribe. The verse above, containing the term “one flesh,” appears a total of five times in the Bible. If a husband and wife do not develop “one flesh” intimacy intended by God, then over time various other problems will develop. Of these, one of the most common is that each spouse is tempted to develop a deeper level of intimacy with something or someone else, rather than with their spouse. Typically, the husband develops closer ties with people at work or play (or with the job or recreation itself). The wife, characteristically, develops a spiritually unbalanced relationship with the children. Once this occurs, it is usually just a matter of time before the home becomes child-centered.

Another correlation between lack of marital harmony and angry children is the defiling effect that bitterness has on others. As the child observes the resentment that results from their parents’ lack of harmony, they become more susceptible to acquiring those bitter thoughts, motives, attitudes, and actions that they have seen modeled by their parents. Look again at Hebrews 12:15. See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no “root of bitterness” springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled. The “many” most likely to be defiled when Mom and Dad are bitter at each other are the children. If you can keep your children from developing bitterness, you will have gone a long way in preventing them from developing anger.

25 Ways to Provoke Our Children to Anger

Ephesians 6:4
Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

Colossians 3:21
Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.

Anger is a unique emotion and one of the most referenced emotions in the Bible. It can motivate to appropriate actions and causes (Mark 3:5) or diminish our effectiveness as a believer (Prov. 14:29). The Lord God expressed His wrath many times over people that hardened their hearts towards His commands and chose idolatry instead. Vine’s Dictionary provides this insight: anger is a natural impulse, desire, or disposition, and is seen as the strongest of all passions. There is little doubt as to why the New Testament instructs believers multiple times to “put off and put away” the destructive side of this emotion (Eph. 4:31, Col. 3:8).

As parents striving to raise our children in the fear and admonition of the Lord, we are provided many opportunities to teach, model, and instruct our children in this principle. One of our goals is to help our children grow from self-centered and emotionally driven to a Christ-like example that incorporates a biblical thought and reasoning process. How sad the first set of parents, Adam and Eve, must have been when their own flesh and blood could not manage this emotion (Gen. 4:5-8). In one day they lost two children – one to death, and the other to exile.

Solomon reminds us that there is nothing new “under the sun” (Eccl. 1:14). Therefore, as parents we need to be proactive in the everyday task of helping our children learn the wisdom of how to experience the emotion (“be angry” Eph. 4:26) and make good choices (“and sin not”). The context of this article will encourage us as parents to examine ourselves first in how we can avoid provoking our children to anger (Col. 3:21). In Lou Priolo’s book The Heart of Anger, he outlines 25 ways that parents can unknowingly create anger and frustration in their children. The following is a summary of those ways.