8. Being Legalistic

The legalism I am referring to is that strain which elevates manmade rules to the same level of culpability as those commands which God has given scripture. God has given each set of Christian parents the responsibility to develop from Scripture a biblically based economy or “law of the house” for their children to abide by. This collection of house rules contains two basic sections:

 

Biblically directed rules are those which all men are obligated to obey because God commands them in His Word. Some obvious examples would be: Love Your God, Love Your Neighbor as Yourself, Do not lie, Do not covet, Do not steal, etc. On the other hand, biblically derived rules are those which are based on biblical principles; but which I am obligated to obey only as long as I am under God-ordained authority, in this case the authority of parents over their children. Examples might be: Do not stay up past 8:30 p.m. on school nights, Do not leave the table without asking to be excused, Eat all of your broccoli, You can only watch one hour of television per day and that only after your homework is finished.

Parents must develop temporal rules particular to their household order to promote unity in a household of sinners. This necessity, however, can turn into neglect if the distinction between these man made temporary rules and God’s eternal ones are not clearly delineated. This negligence often produces children who misunderstand, and consequently reject true Christianity. They can grow up with an overall impression which leads them to conclude that “Christianity” is an antiquated, stale, rigid, and nitpicking religion, having never experienced its power to transform lives.

Christ often contended with this same kind of legalism with the religious leaders of His day. The scribes and the Pharisees held to, propagated, and esteemed the oral tradition, the Talmud, to such an extent that it became for them as legal and binding as the Scriptures. It may not have been wrong for them to follow their own man-made applications of Scripture (“He who observes the day, observes it for the Lord, and he who eats, does so for the Lord, for he gives thanks to God; and he who eats not, for the Lord he does not eat, and gives thanks to God.” Rom. 14:6), but as soon as they imposed their man-made traditions on others, teaching these rules as though they were obligatory as God’s law, they became bound up in legalism. It was to these leaders, who did not distinguish man-made rules from God-breathed commandments, that Christ, after calling them hypocrites, reiterated the words of Isaiah:

Matthew 15:8-9
This people honors me with their lips, but their heart is far from me; in vain they do they worship me, teaching as doctrines the commandments of men.

If this kind of legalism provoked righteous indignation in the Lord Jesus, this kind of legalism can provoke anger in your child.

There is an important distinction that parents must make between these two sections of “The Law of the House.” Whereas God’s Law may never be appealed, parental laws are appealable. You may not say dogmatically (without being legalistic), “It’s God’s will for all children not to wear lipstick until they are sixteen years old.” You may however say (if you’re so inclined), “These are our house rules. If you would like to make a respectful appeal based on extenuating circumstances, we will consider it. When you are an adult, you will have your own house rules for your children. In the meantime, it is your responsibility to obey the house rules we have established based on biblical principles. If you decide to let your children wear lipstick at an earlier age, we will not interfere or tell you your decision is wrong.” You cannot make a promise like that to your child when he or she violates a clear command of Scripture. To do so would mean you are promising not to obey the clear command in Matthew 18:15 yourself.

7. Having Double Standards

Philippians 4:9
What you have learned and received and heard and seen in me – practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you.

A parent who uses the Bible to teach, reprove, correct, and instruct his children in righteousness, but is not willing to practice that same biblical righteousness in his own life, is not only a hypocrite but a provoker of his children. “Do as I say, not as I do” is communicated more often by actions (or lack of them) than by words. Regardless of how this message is communicated, when children see their parents (their spiritual leaders) using double standards, that encourages their anger, much like the hypocrisy of the scribes and the Pharisees (the spiritual leaders of His day) rightly angered Christ.

6. Being Inconsistent with Discipline

2 Corinthians 1:17-18
Was I vacillating when I wanted to do this? Do I make plans according to the flesh, ready to say “Yes, yes” and “No, no” at the same time? As surely as God is faithful, our word to you has not been Yes and No.

Ecclesiastes 8:11

Because the sentence against an evil deed is not executed speedily, the heart of the children of man is fully set to do evil.

Parents often discipline inconsistently in two ways. The first is by having different parental standards of discipline. For example, Father spanks and Mother talks. Father believes that a certain behavior is wrong. Mother sees nothing wrong with that same behavior. As a rule, it is better for one parent to tighten up a bit, and the other to loosen up a little to unify their approach to discipline. Otherwise, children may become confused by their parents’ different philosophies or methodologies of child rearing. The time, effort, and thought it will take for parents biblically to fine tune their parenting to the same specifics will be a valuable (and necessary) investment that should save hours of frustrating and ineffective discipline in years to come.

The second way that parents discipline inconsistently is by vacillating from day to day on either what is or what is not punishable behavior, and/or on how severe the chastisement will be. Children ought to know that their parents “yes” means “yes” and their “no” means “no.” They should know that each offense will be treated justly and equitably regardless of their parents’ emotional, spiritual, or physical condition at the time of discipline.

5. Scolding

Ephesians 4:29
Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as it fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.

Mark 14:3-5

And while he was at Bethany in the house of Simon the leper, as he was reclining at the table, a woman came with an alabaster flask of ointment of pure nard, very costly, and she broke the flask and poured it over his head. There were some who said to themselves indignantly, “Why was the ointment wasted like that? For this ointment could have been sold for more than three hundred denarii and given to the poor.” And they scolded her.

One of the Greek words from which the term scolding (in the above text) was derived, means “to sort with anger.” It was used to describe the snorting of horses. In his book, Hints on Child Training, first published in 1891, H. Clay Trumbull, considered by any people to be the founder of Sunday school, explains:

“To ‘scold’ is to assail or revile with boisterous speech. The word itself seems to have a primary meaning akin to that of barking or howling.

Scolding is always an expression of a bad spirit and of a loss of temper…the essence of the scolding is in the multiplication of hot words in expression of strong feelings that while eminently natural, ought to be held in better control.

If a child has done wrong, a child needs a talking to; but no parent ought to talk to a child while that parent is unable to talk in a natural tone of voice, and with carefully measured words. If the parent is tempted to speak rapidly, or to multiply words without stopping to weigh them, or to show an excited state of feeling, the parent’s first duty is to gain entire self-control. Until that control is secured, there is no use of the parent’s trying to attempt any measure of child training. The loss of self-control is for the time being an utter loss of power for the control of others.

In giving commands or in giving censure to a child, the fewer and the more calmly spoken words are better. A child soon learns that scolding means less than quiet talking; and he even comes to find a certain satisfaction in waiting silently until the scolder has blown off the surplus feeling which vents itself in this way. There are times, indeed, when words may be multiplied to advantage in explaining to a child the nature and consequences of his offense, and the reasons why he should do differently in the future; but such words should always be spoken in gentleness, and in self-controlled earnestness. Scolding – rapidly spoken censure and protest, in the exhibit of strong feeling – is never in order as a means of training and directing a child.”

4. Habitually Disciplining While Angry

Psalm 38:1
O Lord, rebuke me not in your anger, nor discipline me in your wrath!

When you are angry, it is easier for you to overdiscipline. Your anger may be perceived by your child as a personal attack. If he views your discipline as such, he will likely suspect that your motive for the discipline is vindictive rather than corrective. If he concludes that this is your motive (thus violating 1 Corinthians 4:5), he will find it difficult not to get angry. The emphasis of your thinking and of your subsequent discipline should be on what the child has done by sinning against God, not on how his action has caused you some personal discomfort, trouble, or embarrassment.

Ephesians 4:26-27

Be angry and do not sin; do not let the sun go down in your anger, and give no opportunity to the devil.

James 1:19-20

Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.

If you do not find yourself more upset because your child has sinned against you than you are because he has sinned against God, you must quickly and prayerfully get your heart in such a state that personal desires are temporarily set aside. You must be willing to lay aside your personal rights and forgive your child’s offense against you so that you may focus on fulfilling your parental obligations to him. Only then can you discipline your child with the assurance that your passion is not unholy anger.

3. Modeling Sinful Anger

Proverbs 22:24-25
Make no friendship with a man given to anger, nor go with a wrathful man, lest you learn his ways and entangle yourself in a snare.

Have your children been snared by learning (picking up) any of your angry ways? When you or your spouse model sinful anger, you may inadvertently teach your children that the only way to solve problems is to win. Children who regularly observe such poor examples of communication often grow up without having the necessary biblical resources with which to resolve conflicts and to solve people-problems.

2. Establishing and Maintaining a Child-Centered Home

Proverbs 29:15
The rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother.

When parents do not establish a home that is clearly Christ-centered (one in which each member understands his biblical role in the family and is committed to please Christ more than self), it is likely that the home will be child-centered. If the husband and the wife do not work at being closer to each other than to the child, the child may view himself as equal to rather than as a subordinate to them. In such “democratic” households, children tend to become angry when their desires do not get placed on equal status with the desires of their parents.

A child-centered home is one in which children are allowed to commit the following indiscretions:

     ·        Interrupt adults when they are talking
     ·        Use manipulation and rebellion to get their way

·        Dictate family schedule (including meal times, bedtimes, etc.)

·        Take precedence of the needs of the spouse

·        Have an equal or overriding vote in all decision making matters

·        Demand excessive time and attention from parents to the detriment of the other biblical responsibilities of the parent

·        Escape the consequences of their sinful and irresponsible behavior

·        Speak to parents as though they were peers

·        Be the dominant influence in the home

·        Be entertained (rather than disciplined) out of a bad mood

The concept of a God-centered home is derived from the biblical principle that the purpose of every Christian is to glorify God (1 Corinthians 10:31, 1 Corinthians 6:20). In contrast to a child-centered home, where pleasing and serving the child is the dominant theme, the God-centered home is one in which everyone is committed to pleasing and serving God. God’s desires are exalted over everyone else’s. Everyone in the family may be expected to sacrifice personal pleasures if God’s will requires it. This philosophy teaches children to serve rather than be honored, to give (loving) rather than take (be selfish). In God-centered homes, children are taught the following (among many others):

     ·        To joyfully serve others

·        To cheerfully obey parents the first time

·        To not interrupt parents who are speaking to each other

·        Understand they will not always get their own way

·        To work their schedule around their parents’ schedule

·        To have input in family decisions but not necessarily an equal vote

·        To understand that God has given their parents other responsibilities in addition to meeting their needs

·        To suffer the natural consequences of their sinful and irresponsible behavior

·        To not speak to parents as though they were peers but honor them as spiritual authorities

·        To esteem others as more important than themselves

·        To fulfill various household responsibilities (chores)

·        To protect themselves from certain bad influences

·        To not divide parents over disciplinary issues

·        To not be more intimate with either parents than the parents are with each other

1. A Relationship Lacking Marital Harmony

Genesis 2:24
Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.

Hebrews 12:15
See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no “root of bitterness” springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled;

Perhaps the greatest provocation of anger in children is parents who do not live with each other in the harmony that the Scriptures prescribe. The verse above, containing the term “one flesh,” appears a total of five times in the Bible. If a husband and wife do not develop “one flesh” intimacy intended by God, then over time various other problems will develop. Of these, one of the most common is that each spouse is tempted to develop a deeper level of intimacy with something or someone else, rather than with their spouse. Typically, the husband develops closer ties with people at work or play (or with the job or recreation itself). The wife, characteristically, develops a spiritually unbalanced relationship with the children. Once this occurs, it is usually just a matter of time before the home becomes child-centered.

Another correlation between lack of marital harmony and angry children is the defiling effect that bitterness has on others. As the child observes the resentment that results from their parents’ lack of harmony, they become more susceptible to acquiring those bitter thoughts, motives, attitudes, and actions that they have seen modeled by their parents. Look again at Hebrews 12:15. See to it that no one fails to obtain the grace of God; that no “root of bitterness” springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled. The “many” most likely to be defiled when Mom and Dad are bitter at each other are the children. If you can keep your children from developing bitterness, you will have gone a long way in preventing them from developing anger.

25 Ways to Provoke Our Children to Anger

Ephesians 6:4
Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

Colossians 3:21
Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.

Anger is a unique emotion and one of the most referenced emotions in the Bible. It can motivate to appropriate actions and causes (Mark 3:5) or diminish our effectiveness as a believer (Prov. 14:29). The Lord God expressed His wrath many times over people that hardened their hearts towards His commands and chose idolatry instead. Vine’s Dictionary provides this insight: anger is a natural impulse, desire, or disposition, and is seen as the strongest of all passions. There is little doubt as to why the New Testament instructs believers multiple times to “put off and put away” the destructive side of this emotion (Eph. 4:31, Col. 3:8).

As parents striving to raise our children in the fear and admonition of the Lord, we are provided many opportunities to teach, model, and instruct our children in this principle. One of our goals is to help our children grow from self-centered and emotionally driven to a Christ-like example that incorporates a biblical thought and reasoning process. How sad the first set of parents, Adam and Eve, must have been when their own flesh and blood could not manage this emotion (Gen. 4:5-8). In one day they lost two children – one to death, and the other to exile.

Solomon reminds us that there is nothing new “under the sun” (Eccl. 1:14). Therefore, as parents we need to be proactive in the everyday task of helping our children learn the wisdom of how to experience the emotion (“be angry” Eph. 4:26) and make good choices (“and sin not”). The context of this article will encourage us as parents to examine ourselves first in how we can avoid provoking our children to anger (Col. 3:21). In Lou Priolo’s book The Heart of Anger, he outlines 25 ways that parents can unknowingly create anger and frustration in their children. The following is a summary of those ways.