The Heart of Anger

25. Child Training with World Methodologies Inconsistent with God’s Word

Ephesians 6:4
Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

Did anyone notice the word “but” in Ephesians 6:4? Two ways are being contrasted. Raising your child properly in the discipline and instruction of the Lord will not provoke him to anger, but employing the counsel and instruction of man-made pop psychology almost certainly will. The use of behavior modification and cognitive therapy techniques that were designed to replace Christ and the Scriptures with human wisdom (Prov. 16:25) cannot produce in an angry child the fruit of the Spirit. That is what is necessary to displace his characterological anger. Make certain that all means and methods of child training you use can be Scripturally validated. Only then will you avoid provoking your child to anger and truly bring him up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

Well, how did you do? How many ways have you and your spouse been provoking your child to anger? Remember, the anger is your child’s sin, but you are 100% responsible before God for the sins which provoked him to that anger. If you recognize that you have exasperated and provoked your children, I urge you to immediately take the following steps to begin creating a home environment that will help them to replace anger with love, kindness, gentleness, and forgiveness of Christ.

24. Practicing Favoritism

Luke 15:25-30
“Now his older son was in the field, and as he came and drew near to the house, he heard music and dancing.  And he called one of the servants and asked what these things meant.  And he said to him, ‘Your brother has come, and your father has killed the fattened calf, because he has received him back safe and sound.’  But he was angry and refused to go in. His father came out and entreated him,  but he answered his father, ‘Look, these many years I have served you, and I never disobeyed your command, yet you never gave me a young goat, that I might celebrate with my friends.  But when this son of yours came, who has devoured your property with prostitutes; you killed the fattened calf for him!’

When the prodigal’s elder brother perceived (wrongly) that his father was showing favoritism toward his younger brother, he became angry. Since siblings are different, they should be treated as individuals. The standard, however, by which each child is evaluated and by which parents respond to each child should be identical, a point the elder brother did not understand and so he misinterpreted his father’s motive.

Consider a thermometer as an illustration – When placed in a refrigerator, it may read 38 degrees, when placed on the kitchen table – 72 degrees, when placed in an oven however, it may read 400 degrees! Did the thermometer ever change? Did it ever stop faithfully measuring temperature? Did it ever stop being a thermometer and become a wrist watch? Of course not! What changed is not the thermometer, but rather its environment or circumstances. Likewise, when a child observes a certain parental treatment sibling is receiving while in a different set of circumstances than himself, he needs to be assured that he or she will not be treated in a similar manner (with justice) by his parent(s) should he find himself in the same or similar set of circumstances.

23. Having Unrealistic Expectations

1 Corinthians 13:11

When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways.

The Bible acknowledges that children think, speak and reason differently than adults. The process whereby children grow and develop takes time. Additionally, children grow at different rates. These factors need to be considered by parents as they establish expectations for their children.

Parents should not impose standards on expectations upon their children that their children are developmentally incapable of performing. Appropriate standards and expectations are clearly delineated in Scripture. Our emphasis should be on character not achievement. For example, godly character is shown in doing your best for God’s glory, not by getting straight A’s in school. Factored into the equation should also be the reality that children are sinners and are therefore going to sin. Hence, it should not be surprising to parents when even children with agreeable dispositions occasionally show their sinful hearts.

22. Ridiculing or Name Calling

Ephesians 4:29
Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.

You may think: “Now wait a minute. Jesus called people names, so did Paul, as well as many of the biblical authors. Why can’t I call my children names?” Well, I suppose you can, provided your name calling meets biblical criteria. The only names you ought to be using to describe your children (or any other person for that matter) are names that the Bible uses to describe categories of people. Even legitimate biblical name-calling should only be used when there is enough evidence to suggest the category.

Categories such as slothful, foolish, double-minded, deceitful, self-centered, and idolatrous are names God uses to identify those individuals who have so given themselves over to a particular sin that their life is dominated and characterized by that sin. Names like idiot, Moron, Dummy, Meathead, Dingbat, Fatty, Shorty, and Pinhead don’t fit biblical criteria.

Additionally, using biblical names to describe sinful behavior should be employed only when a child’s life displays a particular sin to such a degree that the sin is obviously affecting various areas of his life (home, school, church, social, health, etc.) When it is necessary to show a child that his life is taking on unacceptable characteristics, the biblical name should be used as a didactic tool, not as a weapon. As a tool the name serves to motivate the child to change. As a weapon, the name embarrasses, shames, or antagonizes the child and is primarily punitive in nature. Punitive name calling provokes anger in children.

21. Abusing Them Physically

1 Timothy 3:3
Not a drunkard, not violent but gentle, not quarrelsome, not a lover of money.

Numbers 22:27-29

When the donkey saw the angel of the Lord, she lay down under Balaam. And Balaam's anger was kindled, and he struck the donkey with his staff.  Then the Lord opened the mouth of the donkey, and she said to Balaam, “What have I done to you, that you have struck me these three times?”  And Balaam said to the donkey, “Because you have made a fool of me. I wish I had a sword in my hand, for then I would kill you.”

When Balaam became angry at his donkey for not meeting his expectations, he struck the beast with a stick. Balaam went on to say that if he had a sword he would have killed the donkey. Children, of course, are not beasts. Angry parents, however, may be guilty of treating them as such when their anger is out of control. Several parallels can be made between Balaam’s sinful anger and a parent out of control. I will mention three:

1.      Balaam struck the donkey in haste, before he had collected all of the relevant data. Before we as parents jump to hasty and unfounded conclusions and discipline our children for the wrong reason, we must be certain we have the facts.

2.      Balaam struck the donkey because the donkey embarrassed him. We should be certain that our motivation for discipline is biblical, and not selfish. For us to discipline our children for selfish reasons, such as embarrassment or unfulfilled expectations, rather than for sin, is vindictive and abusive.

3.      Balaam was out of control. (He would have killed his faithful donkey if he had the means to do it!) We parents should discipline our children only when we have gotten our anger under control and are not likely to harm our children.

20. Mocking Your Child

Job 17:1-2
My spirit is broken; my days are extinct; the graveyard is ready for me. Surely there are mockers about me, and my eye dwells on their provocation.

Exodus 4:11

Then the Lord said to him, “Who has made man's mouth? Who makes him mute, or deaf, or seeing, or blind? Is it not I, the Lord?

Parents should never ridicule or mock. I am especially concerned about two categories of teasing. First, you should not make fun of inadequacies about which the child can do nothing. Parents should never ridicule a child for things that have nothing to do with pleasing God. Examples from this category include a child’s intelligence, athletic abilities, physical features, and motor coordination. These are personal characteristics that are not sinful. According to Exodus 4:11 and Psalm 139:13-16, God takes responsibility for prescribing these traits in each person before birth.

The second thing you should not do is make fun of things that are sinful. Should Christians make fun of things that God sent His Son to die for? Sin isn’t a laughing matter. Sinful behavior in children, especially those that are habitual, should be addressed with sobriety not with frivolity.

19. Allowing Too Much Freedom

Proverbs 29:15The rod and reproof give wisdom, but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother.

Galatians 4:1-2
I mean that the heir, as long as he is a child, is no different from a slave, though he is the owner of everything, but he is under guardians and managers until the date set by his father.

When children are allowed to (1) habitually practice any sinful behavior, or (2) participate in non-sinful activities before demonstrating the appropriate levels of responsibility and maturity (i.e. having the freedom to dispose of great sums of money without knowing how to live by a biblically balanced budget), or (3) live an undisciplined life, being allowed to do almost anything their heart desires with instant gratification, other problems develop. Children must be taught how to repent of sin, how to be responsible, and how to live a self-disciplined life. Parents will suffer along with their children if they neglect these disciplinary responsibilities.

Children can soon come to know the truth that God equates discipline with love:

Hebrews 12:6-9

For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives. It is for discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline?  If you are left without discipline, in which all have participated, then you are illegitimate children and not sons.  Besides this, we have had earthly fathers who disciplined us and we respected them. Shall we not much more be subject to the Father of spirits and live?

Children who grow up in homes with too much freedom and not enough discipline may quickly conclude that they are not truly loved by their parents.

18. Not Allowing Enough Freedom

James 3:17a
But the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial and sincere.

Luke 12:48b

 But the one who did not know, and did what deserved a beating, will receive a light beating. Everyone to whom much was given, of him much will be required, and from him to whom they entrusted much, they will demand the more.

Children, rather than expecting their parents to simply hand them freedom on a silver platter, ought to be willing to earn freedom by demonstrating that they are faithful. Faithfulness involves demonstrating to God and others that you can be trusted with increasing freedom based on at least two things: the successful fulfillment of specific responsibilities and the successive competence to make biblically wise decisions.

When children start demonstrating such faithfulness and parents do not reward them with the freedom and the trust commensurate with their achievement, they can become exasperated, discourages, and even give up. Common reasons why parents do not give their children enough freedom include: overprotectiveness, insecurity, fear, unbiblical standards based on tradition rather than Scripture, inordinate desires to have perfect children, and inordinate concern for what others might think. By not rewarding faithfulness with requisite freedom, parents may hinder a form of motivation that is inherently biblical – the desire to earn trust.

17. Chastening in Front of Others

Matthew 18:15
If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother.

Why do so many Christian parents overlook one of the most foundational discipline passages in the Bible? Perhaps it is because when we read the word “brother,” we immediately think of some church member with whom we have had or are currently involved in a conflict. Regardless of the reason, our Lord’s instruction in Matthew 18:15-20, when properly applied to the family conflict, will safeguard each member from abuse and will prevent sinful actions from becoming sinful habits. Remember, your believing son or daughter is primarily and permanently your brother or sister. He is secondarily, and temporarily your child.

The disciplinary principle derived from this verse is that the circle of confession and correction should only be as large as the circle of offense. If your child sins in the presence of others, he may in certain cases be verbally revoked (but not physically chastised) in their presence. If the sin however is not in public, the disciplinary process should be handled between the parent and child. To violate the clear instruction of Christ by disciplining a child in front of others for sins he has committed in private is to sin against God and the child.

16. Failing to Keep Your Promises

Matthew 5:37
Let what you say be simply ‘Yes’ or ‘No’; anything more than this comes from evil.

Psalm 15:4-5

In whose eyes a vile person is despised, but who honors those who fear the Lord; who swears to his own hurt and does not change; who does not put out his money at interest and does not take a bribe against the innocent. He who does these things shall never be moved.

Colossians 3:9

Do not lie to one another, seeing that you have put off the old self with its practices.

Promises and commitments are usually made with every intention of keeping them and no intent to deceive. However, when promises and commitments consistently are not kept, regardless of the reason, and an attempt is not made to break the contract biblically (see Proverbs 6:1-5) or forgiveness is not sought from a child for breach of contract, his disappointment turns into anger. As the string of broken promises gets longer and longer, and the child increasingly views his parents an undependable, unreliable, and deceitful, his anger may intensify proportionately.

Many responses may occur in the heart of a child whose hopes have been dashed by broken promises. Unless children are taught appropriate biblical responses, they may struggle with some of the following emotions:

·        Disappointment and discouragement

·        Suspicion and cynicism – unwillingness to trust

·        Rejection – hurt feelings

·        Bitterness and resentment

·        Loss of respect or contempt for parents

·        Thoughts of being unloved

Any of these, if not dealt with biblically, can easily lead to anger and then to rebellion.

15. Not Praising or Encouraging Your Child

Revelation 2:2-4
I know your works, your toil and your patient endurance, and how you cannot bear with those who are evil, but have tested those who call themselves apostles and are not, and found them to be false.  I know you are enduring patiently and bearing up for my name's sake, and you have not grown weary.  But I have this against you, that you have abandoned the love you had at first.

It is significant that the Lord Jesus Christ, when He reproved the church at Ephesus, began with praise. When a Christian evaluates himself (as every person does continually), it is important for him to evaluate himself accurately. An accurate self-perception involves a clear understanding not only of what is wrong and needs to be corrected, but also of what is right and pleasing to God. Too often parents focus only on the wrong, and consequently, their children tend to evaluate themselves inaccurately. Their self-perceptions become distorted rather than sober (Romans 12:3) and true (Philemon 4:8). I suggest to parents that they learn to keep their children regularly bathed in a solution of praise so that when reproof and correction are administered, these measures will be perceived as one more element of balanced biblical love.

14. Not Making Time “Just to Talk”

James 1:19
Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger.

Ecclesiastes 3:7

A time to tear, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak.

Relationships are impossible to build without communication. To the degree (and only to the degree) that God has revealed Himself to us in the Bible, can we have a relationship with Him. As parents and children alike reveal themselves to each other through various communication forms, their relationships with each other are strengthened. Revelation of oneself is a biblical prerequisite for effective relationships.

When Mom and dad allow the pressures and pleasures of life to keep them from spending enough time in the revelation/communication process, strong parent/child relationships are not established. In addition to provoking children to wrath, this weakening of the parent/child relationship motivates children to build closer relationships with friends instead of parents.

13. Comparing Them to Others

2 Corinthians 10:12
Not that we dare to classify or compare ourselves with some of those who are commending themselves. But when they measure themselves by one another and compare themselves with one another, they are without understanding.

God gives every child unique gifts and talents. Adam gave every child (through the transmission of sin Romans 5:16-19) a heart that is disposed to all manner of evil thoughts and intents. A child should learn at an early age “not to think more highly of himself than he ought to think; but to think so as to have sound judgement, as God has allotted to each a measure of faith” (Romans 12:3).

Parents, on the other hand should take Paul’s warning in 2 Corinthians 10:12 to heart and avoid comparing their children (favorably or unfavorably) to other children. Proper biblical comparisons may be made in the following directions:

Forward looking – by comparing where the child is today to the biblical standard of maturity as demonstrated in Jesus Christ (Ephesians 4:13-15; 2 Corinthians 3:18), or –

Backward looking – by comparing the child’s spiritual maturity today to his own spiritual maturity at various points in the past (2 Peter 1:3-12; Revelation 2:2-5).

12. Not Listening to Your Child’s Opinion or Taking Their Side of the Story Seriously

Proverbs 18:3
When wickedness comes, contempt comes also, and with dishonor comes disgrace.

Proverbs 18:17

The one who states his case first seems right, until the other comes and examines him.

You may not always agree with your child’s reasoning, conclusions and opinions, but if you are going to lead them into the truth, you will need to understand their perspective. Moreover, by not attempting to understand his perspective, you may communicate such sinful attitudes as arrogance, impatience, apathy, or lack of love. People of all ages are inclined to translate rejection of their ideas as rejection of their persons. Naturally, children should be taught how to receive reproof biblically and learn not to equate rejection of one’s ideas as personal rejection. When, however, there is a constant barrage of parental insensitivity in this area, children quickly conclude Mom and Dad, like the proverbial fool, are not interested in anything but their own opinions.

11. Parents reversing God-given Roles

Ephesians 5:22-24
Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands.

When God’s order in the home is violated, various consequences tend to be set in motion. These consequences create a home environment that promotes frustration. Wives tend to become embittered over husbands not managing their homes as the Bible directs. Husbands tend to become embittered and lose respect for wives who are not fulfilling their God-given roles.

Both husband and wife may struggle with the guilt that so often occurs whenever biblical roles are reversed. Children who know what the Bible teaches about such things tend to view their parents’ relationship as a double standard. They may even resent their mother for usurping her husband’s authority, or their father for not managing his home well – or both. In addition, children may be uncertain and confused about their own gender roles. They may not want to model their parents’ behavior but have no other first-hand examples to follow. All of these consequences can frustrate children and provoke them to anger.

10. Not Admitting You’re Wrong and Not Asking for Forgiveness

Matthew 5:23-24
So if you are offering your gift at the alter and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the alter and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.

James 5:16

Therefore, confess your sins to one another and pray for one another, that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working.

A parent’s failure to acknowledge offenses committed against his children (and others whom they know you’ve offended) often discourages the children from practicing open biblical communication. When children perceive such insensitivity and pride in their parents, they may wrongly conclude, “It’s no use trying to talk to him, he’ll never admit to doing anything wrong.” Of course, the criteria for such communication should not be whether or not Dad will hear him, but rather, whether or not the offense is of such a nature that it cannot be overlooked (Prov. 19:11) or covered in love (Prov. 10:12; 17:9). In other words, your children should be taught to follow Matthew 18:15-17 as a necessary aspect in the relationship with you their parents, regardless of your parental response. In order to avoid provoking your children to anger in matters of offenses, I urge you to observe this four-step biblical approach to seeking forgiveness when you offend your child (or anyone else for that matter).

9. Constantly Finding Fault

Job 32:2-3
Then Elihu the son of Barachel the Buzite, of the family of Ram, burned with anger. He burned with anger at Job because he justified himself rather than God.

Elihu became righteously indignant as he observed Job’s three friends condemn him without accurately pinpointing exactly what he had done wrong. What am I addressing here is not the parental responsibility to point out sinful behavior and character deficiencies in the child, but rather the critical, condemning, accusing, judgmental attitude that so often accompanies legitimate attempts at reproof. I am referring to the kind of “spirit” that leads a child to believe that his parents are never or rarely pleased with him.

When the Lord Jesus was reproving the Ephesian church for losing her first love, He began with a list of those behaviors that please Him (Rev. 2). Perhaps the most effective safeguard against this provocation is for parents to purpose to praise, commend, and acknowledge biblical achievement with greater frequency than they reprove. This is not to imply a reduction in the number of reproofs, but rather to suggest an increase in the number of commendations. If you are a parent who has a tendency to nitpick about everything, I suggest that you memorize and meditate upon the following:

Proverbs 19:11

Good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense.

Remember that although you have the responsibility to identify character flaws in your children for the purpose of training and correction, it is not always necessary to turn every non-characterological (non-habitual) sin into a mini-sermon.