The Heart of Anger

25. Child Training with World Methodologies Inconsistent with God’s Word

Ephesians 6:4
Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

Did anyone notice the word “but” in Ephesians 6:4? Two ways are being contrasted. Raising your child properly in the discipline and instruction of the Lord will not provoke him to anger, but employing the counsel and instruction of man-made pop psychology almost certainly will. The use of behavior modification and cognitive therapy techniques that were designed to replace Christ and the Scriptures with human wisdom (Prov. 16:25) cannot produce in an angry child the fruit of the Spirit. That is what is necessary to displace his characterological anger. Make certain that all means and methods of child training you use can be Scripturally validated. Only then will you avoid provoking your child to anger and truly bring him up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

Well, how did you do? How many ways have you and your spouse been provoking your child to anger? Remember, the anger is your child’s sin, but you are 100% responsible before God for the sins which provoked him to that anger. If you recognize that you have exasperated and provoked your children, I urge you to immediately take the following steps to begin creating a home environment that will help them to replace anger with love, kindness, gentleness, and forgiveness of Christ.

24. Practicing Favoritism

Luke 15:25-30
“Now his older son was in the field, and as he came and drew near to the house, he heard music and dancing.  And he called one of the servants and asked what these things meant.  And he said to him, ‘Your brother has come, and your father has killed the fattened calf, because he has received him back safe and sound.’  But he was angry and refused to go in. His father came out and entreated him,  but he answered his father, ‘Look, these many years I have served you, and I never disobeyed your command, yet you never gave me a young goat, that I might celebrate with my friends.  But when this son of yours came, who has devoured your property with prostitutes; you killed the fattened calf for him!’

When the prodigal’s elder brother perceived (wrongly) that his father was showing favoritism toward his younger brother, he became angry. Since siblings are different, they should be treated as individuals. The standard, however, by which each child is evaluated and by which parents respond to each child should be identical, a point the elder brother did not understand and so he misinterpreted his father’s motive.

Consider a thermometer as an illustration – When placed in a refrigerator, it may read 38 degrees, when placed on the kitchen table – 72 degrees, when placed in an oven however, it may read 400 degrees! Did the thermometer ever change? Did it ever stop faithfully measuring temperature? Did it ever stop being a thermometer and become a wrist watch? Of course not! What changed is not the thermometer, but rather its environment or circumstances. Likewise, when a child observes a certain parental treatment sibling is receiving while in a different set of circumstances than himself, he needs to be assured that he or she will not be treated in a similar manner (with justice) by his parent(s) should he find himself in the same or similar set of circumstances.

23. Having Unrealistic Expectations

1 Corinthians 13:11

When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways.

The Bible acknowledges that children think, speak and reason differently than adults. The process whereby children grow and develop takes time. Additionally, children grow at different rates. These factors need to be considered by parents as they establish expectations for their children.

Parents should not impose standards on expectations upon their children that their children are developmentally incapable of performing. Appropriate standards and expectations are clearly delineated in Scripture. Our emphasis should be on character not achievement. For example, godly character is shown in doing your best for God’s glory, not by getting straight A’s in school. Factored into the equation should also be the reality that children are sinners and are therefore going to sin. Hence, it should not be surprising to parents when even children with agreeable dispositions occasionally show their sinful hearts.

22. Ridiculing or Name Calling

Ephesians 4:29
Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.

You may think: “Now wait a minute. Jesus called people names, so did Paul, as well as many of the biblical authors. Why can’t I call my children names?” Well, I suppose you can, provided your name calling meets biblical criteria. The only names you ought to be using to describe your children (or any other person for that matter) are names that the Bible uses to describe categories of people. Even legitimate biblical name-calling should only be used when there is enough evidence to suggest the category.

Categories such as slothful, foolish, double-minded, deceitful, self-centered, and idolatrous are names God uses to identify those individuals who have so given themselves over to a particular sin that their life is dominated and characterized by that sin. Names like idiot, Moron, Dummy, Meathead, Dingbat, Fatty, Shorty, and Pinhead don’t fit biblical criteria.

Additionally, using biblical names to describe sinful behavior should be employed only when a child’s life displays a particular sin to such a degree that the sin is obviously affecting various areas of his life (home, school, church, social, health, etc.) When it is necessary to show a child that his life is taking on unacceptable characteristics, the biblical name should be used as a didactic tool, not as a weapon. As a tool the name serves to motivate the child to change. As a weapon, the name embarrasses, shames, or antagonizes the child and is primarily punitive in nature. Punitive name calling provokes anger in children.

21. Abusing Them Physically

1 Timothy 3:3
Not a drunkard, not violent but gentle, not quarrelsome, not a lover of money.

Numbers 22:27-29

When the donkey saw the angel of the Lord, she lay down under Balaam. And Balaam's anger was kindled, and he struck the donkey with his staff.  Then the Lord opened the mouth of the donkey, and she said to Balaam, “What have I done to you, that you have struck me these three times?”  And Balaam said to the donkey, “Because you have made a fool of me. I wish I had a sword in my hand, for then I would kill you.”

When Balaam became angry at his donkey for not meeting his expectations, he struck the beast with a stick. Balaam went on to say that if he had a sword he would have killed the donkey. Children, of course, are not beasts. Angry parents, however, may be guilty of treating them as such when their anger is out of control. Several parallels can be made between Balaam’s sinful anger and a parent out of control. I will mention three:

1.      Balaam struck the donkey in haste, before he had collected all of the relevant data. Before we as parents jump to hasty and unfounded conclusions and discipline our children for the wrong reason, we must be certain we have the facts.

2.      Balaam struck the donkey because the donkey embarrassed him. We should be certain that our motivation for discipline is biblical, and not selfish. For us to discipline our children for selfish reasons, such as embarrassment or unfulfilled expectations, rather than for sin, is vindictive and abusive.

3.      Balaam was out of control. (He would have killed his faithful donkey if he had the means to do it!) We parents should discipline our children only when we have gotten our anger under control and are not likely to harm our children.

20. Mocking Your Child

Job 17:1-2
My spirit is broken; my days are extinct; the graveyard is ready for me. Surely there are mockers about me, and my eye dwells on their provocation.

Exodus 4:11

Then the Lord said to him, “Who has made man's mouth? Who makes him mute, or deaf, or seeing, or blind? Is it not I, the Lord?

Parents should never ridicule or mock. I am especially concerned about two categories of teasing. First, you should not make fun of inadequacies about which the child can do nothing. Parents should never ridicule a child for things that have nothing to do with pleasing God. Examples from this category include a child’s intelligence, athletic abilities, physical features, and motor coordination. These are personal characteristics that are not sinful. According to Exodus 4:11 and Psalm 139:13-16, God takes responsibility for prescribing these traits in each person before birth.

The second thing you should not do is make fun of things that are sinful. Should Christians make fun of things that God sent His Son to die for? Sin isn’t a laughing matter. Sinful behavior in children, especially those that are habitual, should be addressed with sobriety not with frivolity.